Survival Guide: Hiding From Elon´s Debt Collecting Robots

So, you missed a few student loan payments. Ah, okay, all of them. Next thing you know, Elon’s teamed up with the Department of Education and now there’s a solar-powered debt-collection droid knocking on your grandma’s front porch asking for your current location and a “friendly repayment plan.”

This is not a drill. You're being hunted by robots with built-in Wi-Fi, facial recognition, and a vendetta powered by AI-generated spreadsheets.

What do you do? You run. But not just anywhere. You run rural, baby. And this is what you gonna do!

Step 1: Ditch the Tech

First thing’s first; your phone?  It’s a glowing, buzzing, snitch. Turn it off, throw it in a river, or give it to that co-worker you never liked. Anything to break the digital trail. Remember: If it connects to the cloud, it connects to ElonBot5000.

Step 2: Dress Like You’re in a 1992 Low-Budget Western

Lose that city style. These robots are trained to spot urban chic from space. So, become a full off-grid fashionista:

• Flannel shirt

• Torn jeans

• Slight scent of gasoline, chicken shit and regret.

Bonus points if you carry THAT chicken under your arm. Real or rubber. It don´t matter. Robots can’t tell… yet.

Step 3: Choose Your Hideout Wisely

Forget remote cabins. Those are already booked by other fugitives, or murderers or influencers. Think simple:

• A run-down barn

• That weird tool shed nobody ever checks

• Ok, ok. In the end, Abuela’s forgotten and run down cabin is not a bad idea. Although by living there you will always remember her saying,  “just pay your loans, mijo”.

  
  

Step 4: Learn the Basics of Country Life (Badly)

You’re now a part-time goat whisperer, amateur crop thief, and full-time avoider of anything that sounds like whirrrrr-click-boop. Things to master:

• The art of walking barefoot quietly (ninjas call it “soft foot”)

• Making soup from weeds (some are edible… some aren’t)

• Talking to cows like they’re your therapists (they listen better than most humans anyway)

  
  

Step 5: Make Friends with the Local Conspiracy Guy

Every rural town has one. He lives in a shack made of satellite dishes and expired canned goods. He hasn’t paid taxes since 1987 and he’s your new best friend. He’ll teach you how to:

• Make a hat that blocks “robot mind rays”

• Build a firewall using aluminum foil and deep suspicion

• Use Morse code to talk to squirrels

Sure, 73% of what he says is complete nonsense… but the remaining 27%? That might just save your life.

Step 6: Rebrand Yourself

Your name is no longer Alex Rodriguez or Marissa Lee. You are now “Dusty Pinecone”  or Toothless Jimmy” or “Martha of the Mudlands”. It don´t matter. Anything but your legal name or they will find you.

6 MONTHS LATER:

Well, well, well. The government is now truly pissed off. They want their money and now there is no turning back. It has decided to send its latest robots and dog sniffing metal creatures and flying drones to get you. Because that´s what they do.

It's You vs. The Terminators

So, you've abandoned city life for the quiet countryside. Phew! That was close. It´s been 6 months of quiet and peace. But come-on. You really thought they could not find you? Well, they have. And now you have to be ready for the next stage of fighting for your freedom when the metal boys come knocking.

Picture this:

You're enjoying your morning coffee on your rustic porch when you spot them in the distance - two robots heading your way. One looks like Boston Dynamics' dog had a baby with a tank, the other walks upright like it's auditioning for "Humans: The Reboot." Neither appears to be bringing housewarming gifts.

You've got minutes to act, and spoiler alert: doing nothing gets you a 90% chance of spending the rest of your life explaining to a judge why you haven't paid your loans since 1994.

Step 1: Don't Panic (But Also, Maybe Panic a Little)

First things first. Again, grab only what you absolutely need. Anyway, now you are smarter. Forest savvy. So you get;

• Water

• Knife or multi-tool

• Some food that won't go bad (those apocalypse preppers with their 5-year shelf-life mac and cheese are suddenly looking pretty smart)

• Something to start fires with

• That roll of duct tape you've been saving (because when isn't duct tape the answer?)

The robots don't need bathroom breaks, don't get tired, and definitely don't stop to admire the sunset. So your first advantage is knowing that you need to create distance FAST.

Step 2: Water Is Your Best Friend

Remember how your phone dies if you drop it in the toilet? Robots hate water too. Well, maybe not hate - they don't have emotions, despite what your Roomba wants you to believe.

Find a stream or river and walk through it. Your new metal friends might be able to tell the time in Tokyo without blinking, but they'll hesitate at the water's edge. Even if they're waterproof, water messes with tracking abilities and can short out electronics if they're not 100% sealed. And if it gets deep, I hope you can swim.

Step 3: Let´s Channel Our Inner MacGyver

Or "Home Alone". It don´t matter. Let´s just remember all the tricks we´ve learn from wasting half of our lifetime watching cool, meaningless shows. So time to get creative with traps.

1. The Classic Pit Trap: Dig a hole about 6 feet deep (or however deep you can manage while periodically looking over your shoulder in terror). Cover it with branches and leaves. When Robot Rover steps on it - CLUNK. One down, one to go. Bonus points if you can add sharpened sticks at the bottom, but let's be real - you're running for your life, not auditioning for "Survivor."

2. Super Glue Surprise: Find a narrow path where the robot will definitely step. Cover it with leaves concealing a puddle of the strongest adhesive you could grab. Nothing says "system malfunction" like servos gunked up with industrial-strength sticky stuff. The robot will be standing there like a toddler who got into the peanut butter jar.

3. Slippery When Wet: That steep hill? Cover it with cooking oil, soap, or whatever slippery substance you have. When Metal Mario hits it, he's going sledding without the sled. Physics doesn't care if you cost $2 million and can calculate pi to a million digits.

   
   

Step 4: Hide Like Your Life Depends On It (Because It Does)

Robots have thermal imaging, which means they can spot your body heat like you spot that last french fry on someone else's plate. Some options:

• Cave systems: Nature's fallout shelter. The deeper you go, the harder you are to track. Just, you know, don't get lost and trade robot problems for "starved in a cave" problems.

• Thick foliage: Not perfect, but dense forest canopy can reduce thermal signatures from above. Plus, trees means branches means potential weapons.

• Emergency thermal blanket: If you happened to grab one (look at you, Regular Ready Freddy), use it to mask your heat signature. You'll look like a baked potato, but at least you'll be a free baked potato.

• Remember Terminator? Oh yeah, Get down and dirty baby. If it worked for Schwarzenegger it will work for you. Put on some of that nice, cool, thick mud all over you. They will never see you even if they are rolling on top of you. Just don´t yell when one of them steps on your jewels. 

Step 5: Exploit Their Robot Weaknesses

Despite what sci-fi movies tell us, robots aren't perfect:

• Sensors can be fooled: Bright lights can blind optical sensors. That flashlight you grabbed? Shine it directly at their "face" while you make your getaway.

• They follow logic: Create illogical situations. Multiple tracks going different directions. Clothes hanging from branches with heat packs (if you have them). Make the robots divide their computational power trying to figure out which lead to follow.

• They need power: Even the fanciest robot needs electricity. If you can survive longer than their battery life, you might outlast them. Though fair warning: government robots probably don't run on double-A batteries.

The Moral of the Story

Look, I'm not saying running from government robots is ideal weekend entertainment. But with water crossings, clever traps, and exploiting their weaknesses, your odds go from "definitely doomed" to "hey, there's a chance!"

If all else fails, there's always the option of stopping, turning around, and saying " Hey, I've been trying to reach you, guys. I would like to fill out a forbearance, if you don´t mind. You got one on you?¨ I don´t know if that´s gonna stop them, but they are still the government and they love all that official paperwork shit. 

So, stay free, my friend. And maybe next time listen to your grandma and just pay those loans, baby.

Thanks for reading. Abrazos.

Written by a Totally Innocent Debtor Who Just “Forgot” to Pay His Loans